At the Crossroads of Family and Career

2022 was a tough year for me. I was working in SaaS operations and legal services, and we were all working from home because of the pandemic. I was constantly on high alert to keep my at risk elderly grandma as healthy as possible and safe from contracting ANY virus. On top of that, my dog was having these recurring seizures and stomach issues that we couldn't figure out. It was just a lot to handle. That is when it all came to a head for me.

It took a toll on me emotionally and physically and I'm still feeling torn. On one hand, I'm in this transition to a new career that I'm really excited about and I feel like I'm making a difference in the world. But on the other hand, I've got two lovely old ladies who I love dearly and need my help: my 81 year old Poa Poa (grandma) and 10 year old Daisy baby (family dog). And honestly, it can be a bit of a struggle to balance it all.

*skrrrrt* I do realize some people spell grandma as "Po Po" but it always sounded to much like the "police" for me so I never spelled it that way. My whole family picked up my way of spelling it and that's how we are going to roll with it from here on out. Also, I know that term is specific to a grandmother on the maternal side HOWEVER this is my grandma on my paternal side. I forget the reasoning, you'll have to speak with my dad and grandma about that because I just call em what I was trained and raised to call em. Okay... back to black.

Not to mention other pressures I've added to my plate: trying to be a rockstar at work, keep my house clean, maintain a decent relationship with my siblings and boyfriend who live with me, stay in shape, and manage my finances... I literally felt like I was failing at everything and anything that went wrong was my fault.

The worst part was that I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Whenever I tried, the only thing people would say is 'you're doing too much, you need to take care of yourself.' But that's what I was trying to do! I was trying to do it all and it was just impossible. I couldn't understand why I couldn't handle it all. So, I tried the whole "fake it till you make it" which made things even worse. I was so frustrated that I could not do aLL tHe ThInGs!

I come from immigrant (Chinese and Mexican) culture where it's traditional for the elderly to be cared for by their family members in their own homes. The internet calls this "filial piety," I call it guilty moral obligation (just kidding about the guilt, sort of). For me, it's all about showing respect and gratitude for the sacrifices that our elders made for us. What's common and contradictory around me in American culture is that it is more common for the elderly to be placed in senior homes or assisted living facilities.

I don't want to get into a big debate about which way is better, but I will say that for me, when I sit down to think and really feel into it, at the end of the day, I find so much joy and fulfillment in taking care of my grandma. It's not just about the practical things like cooking her meals and helping her with her meds, but it's also about the time we spend together. We talk, we make fun of each other, I still learn new things from her. Honestly, sometimes it's the highlight of my day.

But here's the thing, I for some reason or another, I have this voice in my head that keeps telling me to fight this caring role and get out and be more career driven. (Why? I really do not know). Maybe part of me does not want to admit I like the home life, admitting some aspect of the female stereotype of being a homemaker. And if I admit that, part of me would then need to be vulnerable enough to actually show my love in that way. Remember, I am part Chinese and we are true to the stereotype that we do not show emotions or love like that. I ALWAYS put on a tough exterior to keep people at a distance so they don't know how soft, squishy, and lovey I am inside.

So, if I don't want to be seen as weak and just give into caring for a family and I definitely don't want to be seen as someone who's giving up on their career or their dreams. What the heck do I want?! Truth is, I just want to be able to show my love and care in a more open and authentic way. And there is a glimmer of hope inside that makes me feel like I can do that, care for my grandma in the best way, and find the balance that would allow me to build my career and do all the things. I just have to accept it... I am all love. I am all about serving. And serving others is not a bad thing! It makes the world a better place when we are in service to others and do it with love.

Then it brings up the whole "choice" thing. I have to shift my mindset to one of inclusion and not exclusion or one or the other. I must remind myself that I am not obligated (by guilt and cultural expectation) to take care of my grandma, I don't have to abandon her or my sick doggie either to be successful in career. I just have to remember especially on the days when I am tired and do not want to do anything that I am making a difference in the lives of everyone I serve which includes my grandma, dog, and my customers. Knowing that makes it all worth it.

So, how can one balance it all? Honestly, I don't know. I think it's different for everyone and it's something that we all have to figure out for ourselves. Which I am constantly battling old victim mentality thoughts that no one will help me--that's a conversation for another time. But, here are a few things that have helped me:

• Practice radical honesty with yourself. Know what you want and what you're willing to sacrifice. Trust your gut inside (intuition).

• Practice radical honesty with others. Let your friends and family know what you're going through and ask for help when you need it (or as others would say, set boundaries).

• Know how to self-soothe. Be aware of the things that you can do to healthfully soothe yourself in worrying times. And know they will come, but they will also pass, too.

• Have a support system. Whether it's your family, friends, or professionals, having people you can rely on will make a huge difference.

• Take care of yourself. Separate from self-soothing. On the good days, what can you do to meet your own needs and goals? Don't just get caught up in taking care of others.

• And Most importantly, LOVE LOUDLY!! Don't be afraid to show your love and care in the way that feels right for you. It might feel weird at first, that vulnerability, but that's why we are going to practice, right?

So, yeah, it's not always easy, but I truly believe that caring for our loved ones is one of the most noble and honorable things we can do while building a life and future for ourselves. It doesn't have to be one or the other. It's an act of love, sacrifice, and a way to show gratitude for all the things we have going for us. And, for me, that's what makes it all worth it.